the moon side

​Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
― Mark Twain

I got a massage yesterday and the masseuse asked me if I "struggle to relax." I was like "girl, you have no idea."

My current dark side, or an element of it, is my extreme discomfort in my current life. I made a huge necessary career shift including a cross country move and it's been so much. I can see why people do this in their 20s when they're completely unsettled and they don't give AF about anything. In those times (and I remember them vividly) everything is crazy and unsettled so it's all ok. In my 20's I could get drunk, have a hangover and get over it. I could gain 10lb, go on an insane crash diet and lose it all in a week. I could work jobs for no money, live off of ramen noodles and turn the heat off in my apartment when I couldn't pay the bills. It was all ok. I simply didn't know any better 

In my 40s, on the other hand, I'm SO IMPATIENT with this learning process! I gave up a really well paying job and a cool lifestyle to take this job. I don't regret the decision because it will lead me to other things that I want but right now it's a major step down. Especially financially.  I'm now back to some of my 20's lifestyle, the working for no money part particularly, but without the metabolism or the alcohol tolerance. Essentially, I'm living an uncomfortable life and searching for coping mechanisms. But like... cheap ones. 

Gah.

It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's a first world problem if there ever was one. Plus it's a completely voluntary life change so I have no one to blame but myself. 

But still...